I Can Only Imagine

My dear friend,

I bumped into you the other day and we talked as we walked to your car.

I can only imagine your pain.
I cannot say I know because that would be untrue.
I am not going through the grief you have to wrestle with every day, every night.
The pain that comes like spasms sporadically throughout the day.
Spasms that paralyzes you.

I can only imagine your pain.
I can only imagine how hard it is to sit in front of the computer wanting to blog, to keep a record so you will not forget.
You sit staring blankly at the screen, your fingers occasionally touching the keys at the key board, but most of the time your hands fell heavy and limp.

I can only imagine...
You sitting like a block of wood, unmoving.
But your brain is in a frenzy,
Like a whirlwind, spinning around in a kind of madness.
Time is being rewound and fast-forwarded.
Flashes of places and events.
Voices requesting, squealing, crying, protesting, repeating new words;
Conversations recalled,
How favourite songs were sung each time.
But everything is held by the one same golden strand -
Your beautiful boy.
Your beautiful beautiful boy.

I can only imagine...
You sitting quiet and still,
but your eyes occasionally lights up,
then dims,
then the tears begin to fall.

I can only imagine...
The emotions come like a tidal wave that breaks the dam.
The happy and joyous mixed with the pain of grief and loss.
Regrets. Gladness. The unbearable emptiness.
The tears can't seems to stop.
The pain has no end.

I can only imagine...
You crying as silently as you can, but as much as you can.
Then you crawl into bed to try to rest... or
Then you wash your face and put on a brave front to face the world.

But I can somewhat understand.
Though I cannot grasp the greatness of your pain, I have a hint,
For I, too, have lost a love one before,
But it cannot be compared.
Each heart knows only its own joy and pain.
The rest of us,
We can only imagine.


Here's remembering you and your family:
(Photo extracted from your blog)

The Lariche family at home on Christmas morning last year (2007),
Jien's second and last Christmas with us