I Can Only Imagine

My dear friend,

I bumped into you the other day and we talked as we walked to your car.

I can only imagine your pain.
I cannot say I know because that would be untrue.
I am not going through the grief you have to wrestle with every day, every night.
The pain that comes like spasms sporadically throughout the day.
Spasms that paralyzes you.

I can only imagine your pain.
I can only imagine how hard it is to sit in front of the computer wanting to blog, to keep a record so you will not forget.
You sit staring blankly at the screen, your fingers occasionally touching the keys at the key board, but most of the time your hands fell heavy and limp.

I can only imagine...
You sitting like a block of wood, unmoving.
But your brain is in a frenzy,
Like a whirlwind, spinning around in a kind of madness.
Time is being rewound and fast-forwarded.
Flashes of places and events.
Voices requesting, squealing, crying, protesting, repeating new words;
Conversations recalled,
How favourite songs were sung each time.
But everything is held by the one same golden strand -
Your beautiful boy.
Your beautiful beautiful boy.

I can only imagine...
You sitting quiet and still,
but your eyes occasionally lights up,
then dims,
then the tears begin to fall.

I can only imagine...
The emotions come like a tidal wave that breaks the dam.
The happy and joyous mixed with the pain of grief and loss.
Regrets. Gladness. The unbearable emptiness.
The tears can't seems to stop.
The pain has no end.

I can only imagine...
You crying as silently as you can, but as much as you can.
Then you crawl into bed to try to rest... or
Then you wash your face and put on a brave front to face the world.

But I can somewhat understand.
Though I cannot grasp the greatness of your pain, I have a hint,
For I, too, have lost a love one before,
But it cannot be compared.
Each heart knows only its own joy and pain.
The rest of us,
We can only imagine.


Here's remembering you and your family:
(Photo extracted from your blog)

The Lariche family at home on Christmas morning last year (2007),
Jien's second and last Christmas with us

Cry Baby, Cry Mommy

We finally got another series of blood test done for Myron.
His prolonged jaundice is more serious than we thought.
He will be heading back for more photo therapy.

Today at the hospital poor little Myron cried his lungs out when the doctor had to prick him twice and drained 3 tiny test tubes of blood for a series of tests.
Gadget-daddy was in the room, but busy with with on his computer (or just pretending to be?), so Mommy helped the nurse sooth the baby while he cried like for the longest time.
When they pricked him the second time, Mommy walked to Gadget-daddy. His turn was up. Now he patted Myron to try to calm him while the doctor drew blood from his tiny hand.

The doctor suggested "fasting" the baby off breast milk to see if that was the cause of the jaundice.
He warned us it would be difficult.
He gave some nice-looking pre-mixed formula in a bottle (look like for space travel!!) to supplement. more like for a replacement and then bring Myron back on Wednesday for more tests. Mommy has to be in another room, or the baby would smell me and refuse the milk.
He warned us it would be difficult.
He warned us that the baby will cry, and at the end, the Mommy will cry too.

He was right.
We actually tried only once.
After a long day of emotional stress for Mommy and baby, it was all we could take.
I took him back to nurse him in the room and tears just came down like someone had pressed the "on" button.

I called the doctor later and told him he was right.
We will bring the baby in for photo therapy tomorrow.
No need to wait till Wednesday.
*sigh*

Feeling Awful

Yesterday I sat alone on my bed and cried.

Today I felt awful.

Both incidents were in relation to dealing with Micah's mischief and my inability to cope with the stress.

It is the toll of living with other adults in the house that sometimes frustrates and infuriates.
(I won't go into any details on this.)

In the end, my fuse is shortened because some things really get the better of my nerves. Then along comes my cheeky-experimenting- boundary-testing - four year old and trips off a time bomb.

Mommy yells.
Boy stomps off in silence and hides from her.

*sign*

Emotionally I see how we are so alike.
Micah and I are both actually very sensitive. And often when bruised, we need to be coaxed and soothed. Then we are OK and can go off hopping like a happy bunny again. We forgive easily when some form of effort of reconciliation is made.

Unfortunately we were both bruised... so Mommy needed sometime alone to release stress, sit and cry for a while, and then go coax the other bunny.

We are usually OK within the same hour. And we will exchange out "I love you"s and long hugs.

These are the times I feel like I just want to pack a bag, grab my boys and move house.

Reality:
Gadget-daddy's back at work, and
I need to get out of the house to have some space with "positive vibes" with my boys.

A Time To Heal

Time heals all wounds.
It's just that some wounds take more time than others to heal.

Scars tell the tales of pain and loss.
Some scars will always stir in us a sadness in the heart.

Today, my friend messaged me to help her remember her child.
She will blog as a record for herself and her family.
I read her latest post on Matthew.
I am sure there will be more to come.
Two and a half years of all sorts of memories.
Every single day was precious.
Some, I am sure, that words would fail to capture because it can only be felt in the heart.
Some, words would fail to capture the magic and chemistry of a moment when some things clicked.

Another friend sent me this article and it talks about coping with loss. It was really helpful.

Remembering the ones we have lost helps the healing.
Crying helps the healing.
The need to grieve and then to walk on in our own journey on this earth helps to heal.

On a more personal note,
My father has passed away 7 years and there are moments I still miss him and shed a tear - especially when I think of the loss on the part of my boys never knowing such a wonderful man.

So time will heal... eventually.
Meanwhile, we desperately try to keep a record of the ones we love,
because time also makes us forget...
For better, for worse.




P/s - Sorry for not visiting your corners of the world.
Part of my coping mechanism is to spend more time with my boys and less on the computer.
If we are on the computer, I am with the boys looking at what they like and being with them.
Nevertheless,
Have a good week.

Coming Out Of My Grief

Loss of A Child

When you lose a child,
You lose a limb;
You lose a chunk of your heart-
You lose control of your whole being
and feel like you're going insane-
Because of the loss of a child.

Like a jig-saw puzzle with missing pieces,
The picture can never be completed;
Like a shattered mirror
That cannot be glued back together,
Like a compass
That has lost its needle,
There is just no replacement
For such a loss
As a loss of a child.

What would ice-cream be like
If there were no taste-buds on the tongue?
What would velvet be like
If all our sensory nerves were numb?
What would a rainbow be
If one cannot see light?
Some things just cannot be described -
Like the loss of a child.

Yet you need to function still,
With such pain,
For there are still others
Whose life revolve around you -
And you need to still
Hold it together.
Yes, Brain, hold it together,
Be careful, Heart, not to build walls of fear.

Time and seasons still moves on:
There will be beautiful days,
There will be gloomy days,
There will be days of hope
And days of anguish.
We carry on,
We carry on,
As we carry in our heart
The loss of a child.

Death of A Child

Today I wept many times.

When I first saw the article in the newspaper this morning, my heart raced.


A quick call to our playgroup coordinator confirmed my greatest fears.
It was one of our children, and one of the mum's whom I have got to know quite well.

She and I had many things in common:
She's from Taiping, the same hometown as my parents, and so we speak the same kind of northern Hokkien;
Her husband and her name both start with 'M' and so her son also carry the letter 'M' for his first names - and she was trying to help me think of one for my next boy;
She recently began to be interested in blogging and we share the same "not so high tech" status.
She was always very approachable and she would talk to all the mums;
She was assigned the duty to hand out our name tags (I did this last year) and so she learnt everyone's name in no time.

I wept when the coordinator told me what the mum had said about the accident.

I waited for more news as to when they would have the funeral and cremation.

While waiting we took the boys out to visit a another friend.

By the time we got home (no calls in between) it was 5pm.
I called the coordinator again and she gave me the mum's contact number.


We talked.

"I'm sorry to hear about Matthew.." was all I managed to start with.

She had been hysterical at the time of the accident and cried so much, she said, that she just kept herself focused on the procedures of the necessary.

While she talked, relating the incident to me, I wept.

"Please call me anytime you need anything. Just to talk, or if anything I could do to help..."
was how I managed to end with.
After the phone call, I went to put up the laundry and wept some more.

I have to admit it's not that I was very attached to the child, but because I was close to the mum, I just felt the pain and the loss. Only another parent can imagine how awful it would be.


I don't know what to say.
When words fails us, only tears would be meaningful enough.

:..(

For the One with a Broken Heart

The tears are pouring
Like the raindrops dropping
In the madness of a storm
Waiting
Waiting for a rainbow
After the rain
That never seems to appear.

Will anyone ever know
Where tears were mingled with rain?
Will anyone ever know
The real pain of your soul?
Will anyone ever know
The nights your pillows were soaked in tears?
Will anyone ever know
Will anyone ever know...


Pain and sorrow may linger...

But time will heal all wounds
And scars will tell their tales
But
Rainbows do appear and
Hope will give new life.

You will smile
And laugh again...
In time
In time to come.


Dedicated especially to my friend.