Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Sharing Heartaches

I am walking through a very rough patch with a friend in her marriage.

Things have been tough from the time they got married but after all the changes she's made for him, she now suspects he is unfaithful.

She is afraid of what the future may hold, starting this weekend.
I am afraid for her.

A man thinks he can have his flings and affairs and when he has had enough, he can come back to his wife and kids and expects a warm welcome. She/they should be glad he chose to come back.
If she had been unfaithful, it's the end right away. She should be stripped of all rights and even have her children taken from her and there will no reservations spelling out her sins to her kids or to anyone else...

If a man is unfaithful, many wonders why his wife did not satisfy him or how she failed meet his expectations.
If a woman is unfaithful she is labeled a whore, b*tch, gatal, miang, etc...

A woman is expected to still keep her family intact despite the failure of the man of the house.
If a woman has failed to keep the household intact, the man has the right to demand another woman do it. Marry another woman, any woman, with no one questioning him doing so.

I think of some women I know, mostly my mom's generations, who would just run their home as smoothly despite their knowing their husbands' unfaithfulness. They think nothing of their rights, their needs. They only think of taking care of the children and to have a roof over their heads and food on the table. They keep themselves busy through the day, but I wonder how they handle the time alone before they sleep... if they can sleep.

As for our generation, I've already heard of a few of my former schoolmates divorced. Some with kids, some without. I don't know the whole story behind it, but if it involved an affair, I am sure no woman is going to stand for this today, whether your religion allows it or not.

So maybe some men, maybe quite a lot of men, are still stuck in the times of "Abraham and the forefathers" where you can have more than one wife for whatever reason...

So tonight, after talking and crying with my friend,
I kissed my darling boys and prayed
that they will be men who will be good and faithful husbands,
and they will have good and faithful wives.


U.Lee said...

Hi Mommy, this a very interesting posting.
How or what makes her think 'he' having something on?
I did a posting on this similar topic, which you read and commented, re "Lee, he seeing another woman"...which proved to be wrong.

Only this morning another blogger posted something similar to yours.

Assuming she is right, why not bring it out in the open? Confront him, rather keeping quiet.
I say this from observations and several friends experiences...their husbands cheated on them, their wives cheated on them.
Yes, this goes both ways.

Maybe he is not, but just being good friends? Or did she hear from gossip?
Better to bring it out once and for all and clear the air...wounds from indiscretions don't heal completely but leave bad scars for a lifetime.
Best regards, Lee.

mumsgather said...

More and more couples are heading for divorceville this days. Sigh.

Ann said...

I cried.

You are right...there are too many unhappy marriages these days, un faithful husbands and demanding wifes.

Cry for the wife who is a mother alone.
Sigh for the husband not treated as a father.

I sigh.

Ann said...

On a 'cheerful' note, I have also heard of wives who are happy when their husbands spill their seeds somewhere else.

If only to give her one night of uninterrupted sleep! *wink*

And the emotional happiness and satisfiaction comes from her kids and her other family and friends.

And I have also heard of a woman who only married the guy for his sperm. After she had kis kids (looks and intelligence), she couldn't care less what happened to him. She wanted to be a mother only, not a wife.

Moomykin said...


thanks for the suggestions. And I did read that particular post you mentioned.

Well, for her the signs have been there for a while, the last few days, but she did not quite pick it up until the last few days. He is abroad for work most of the time and they only see each other on some weekends.

She will confront his this weekend - that's why the mention of what's going to happen after that. Sigh...

Moomykin said...

Relationships are getting more complicated with progress in the human race.

It's no more just playing a certain role to keep the family together, safe and well provided for. We are talking about personal needs, facing our skeletons in the closets together, sacrifices, etc..

When it does work out, all are happy. If it does not all are injured.

Moomykin said...


I suppose different people do marry for different reasons. But if it's all practical, and both parties are happy with their arrangement, then neither should complain.

It's only tough when the expectations are misunderstood and one party or both are left disillusioned...

Moomykin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JLow said...

I completely understand what you mean about the attitude of our parents' generation. My own mum had to endure and pretend nothing was happening, for a long long time.

But I guess in growing with the times, she found out about the recent "incidents", and retaliated. After all, all her kids are grown (I am the youngest).

The kids ALL confronted him, and gave him an ultimatum. To him, his kids are more important than his own wife. So now, there's peace at home, but it wasn't for her sake. But it's good enough for her.

That's all I will say about this story. Hot Mummee and her relatives read my blog, but (likely) not this one, so I am "safe" in sharing this, almost anonymously.

I myself am in my 2nd marriage, no kids from the first. You are right- older generations tend to "stick it out" than the current one, who give up too easily; even when there was no third party involved.

As for the whole point of your post- yes it will be painful this weekend: He could deny the whole thing, continuing the lie. Or, that she completely got it all wrong (making huge assumptions here). He could defiantly "come clean" and say "Yup, I never loved you (enough)". He could say sorry and promised to end the side activities. But can she trust him again, whether he does keep his promise, or stray again x months later.

Whatever it is, from direct and indirect experience, getting it out in the open, while very painful, is necessary in moving past this rut / stalemate, and moving forward. Wherever "forward" is it's better than to remain where she is now.

I completely understand the "fear" of anticipating this weekend. And it sounds like she has (at least) one friend she can call on for support to move forward.

Moomykin said...


Thank you for such openness.

I really don't know what's going to happen...

I know I would welcome her should she need a place of shelter for a while, though the presence of my in-laws may not make her feel as comfortable.

Sigh.. their whole marriage is just very messy and both of them travel all the time for their work... sad.

Of course me being her friend knows the kind of struggles she had suffered all these years, but I don't really know him well enough to know his side of the struggle... Not my story to tell here anyway.

Our Jouneys.... said...

Yah must be tough for her...